Sometimes I find myself wanting to quietly breathe the following words to the nearest human being: “Life sure is confusing, isn’t it?”. Not certain why aside from the fact that I’m somewhat mentally ill and have a great deal of inner conflict. It’s been like that for years. Ask any of my exes. That aside from that, my subject here is awaiting articulation. “Back….to what?” You may have uttered as you read the title. Well, Orthodoxy.
Despite all the madness in my life, particularly a disastrous relationship of several years, learning about Orthodox Christianity at St. Nicholas Antiochian was in a very real way my peace and refuge.
However, I did something stupid. I turned my back on the way. My relationship was crumbling and it was easy to walk away from the Church life because I thought it would be like a saving throw. Totally didn’t work. She and I continued fighting and it got to where we were completely distant at all times. There’s more to this story than just this, and I certainly did my share of wrongs. I don’t know. It just didn’t work.
A few months passed. Five, actually. I just started thinking about all of this again in the last couple weeks after talking to my Father. He asked if I was still going to Church. I said “Nah”. He replied ‘Well, I do hope you find your way back.”. The thought marinated for a few days. I slowly began to realize how much I missed St. Nicholas Church, singing in the Choir and the whole of the Christian experience. I thought, “Dude, this time I can do it right, with no distractions or walking on eggshells.”. Started informally praying again, doing the Sign of the Cross and reading a bit. Re-installed the Ancient Faith Radio app on my Windows Phone. Looking forward to getting back into “Orthodixie”. It’s the program of Fr. Joseph Huneycutt, an Antiochian Priest in Texas. Very down to earth, informative and a great wit to boot. So that’s pretty cool. Easing myself back into the routine, checking the fasting calendar and trying to stay focused on getting my life back in order.
Easier said than done. Currently I find myself in a state of hopeful repentance. I know it’s going to be tough, but this is something I simply cannot phone in. I had a taste of a change for the better within myself. I intend to go full throttle with it. More as it develops.